oh no! sorry I missed this notification @dan hassan!
I have had extended periods with two therapists, which were both ehhh okay, better than nothing, but not amazing. I have been out of formal therapy most of the last 3 years because I've been traveling. I feel like I have still made some significant headway on some of my "stuff", through a combo approach. I will tell you about that.
One big piece has been to listen to a lot of podcasts that talk about trauma & healing (e.g. On Being, Where Shall We Begin, Future Thinkers, Emerge) and reading some books like In An Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine, following people like Qiaochu Yuan and the #sobsquad on Twitter. (Also on my to-read list: Eugene Gendlin (Focusing) and David Hawkins (Letting Go).)
This allows me to do a little healing on my own, simply by spending time listening, reflecting, actively staying with some of my troubling experiences instead of avoiding them as I instinctively want to.
That has exposed me to lots of healing modalities (e.g. today I learned that EMDR is the most effective treatment for "simple" traumas (i.e. where you're fixated on a specific single distressing memory)).
It has been helpful for me to learn about many modalities, because some resonate with me and some don't (does this sound credible? is it relevant to my needs?). So if I wanted a new therapist, I have a better idea of the search terms to start from (e.g. Somatic Experiencing is probably a good fit for me because it prioritises bodywork over intellect, and it has solid science so I trust it). (Also: Internal Family Systems.)
In my case a lot of my problems stem from my unwillingness to experience some emotions. What helps the most is to be "accompanied", having someone who is attuned to my state, who can empathise with me (or anticipate the feelings that I might feel if I weren't repressing them), and show that they are feeling some of those feelings without being overwhelmed.
Maybe you do this for your kid when they are super distressed? Like, let them know that you are with them in their upset, at the same time as holding your center and not being overwhelmed.
Accompaniment is very nourishing for me. I am intentionally cultivating friendships where we accompany each other through our difficult times, where we walk alongside each other, forwards into the discomfort. I have found it relatively easy to do this when "setting the terms" of a new friendship, but hard to do with existing friendships that have an established pattern that avoids vulnerability, intimacy, etc.
Also my partner has a lot more emotional intelligence and depth than me, our interactions are constantly helping me along my path.
So there is the solo work, the relational work, and group work. The reason I am somewhat obsessed with "Enspiral style" gatherings is that there are some psychological states I have only accessed in groups of 10-40 people, sitting in circle, after a couple nights of being together. e.g. the most recent experience of this gave me an enormous insight into how I am unconsciously reproducing the traumatising conditions of my childhood, with huge passionate energy, right now in my present! Oooops!
I don't know how it works but the right kind of circle is extraordinarily powerful, I can't be fully well without it. I believe I've seen this to be true for others too, e.g. maybe @mixmix or @mikey could comment.
I'm not answering your question directly but maybe it stirs up something interesting :)
this thread is open to anyone but i am particularly interested to hear from people who identify as men