That was easy enough! After soaking out the filth that electric tape left on one's fingers (and, more importantly, their soul), the second problem can be tackled: the standard interface. Now, every end-user audio device has a 3.5mm audio jack, so that's definitely what will be used à la fin, however, while hard-soldering one to the ribbon ends is definitely possible, it's unviable: not only does it define the speaker chirality (unsure what the professional audio term is) (not that it matters, though, despite however cold the joints might look, I measured the resistance and it's within tolerance), it's also prone to breaking, so the obvious solution and the second standard employed will be the electronics' gold- standard and pin.
Au première, though, tests were performed to see whether the TV can drive these massive speakers without external power (i.e. whether transistorbs were needed) and thankfully it could, so I managed to avoid designing an actual board for this, and instead I could just opt for…

Fig. 5: the adapter board layout.

This dead-simple "design", with a common ground rail and two double headers tapping thereinto…

Fig. 6: the perf board, scored.

So naught was left but to score a perfboard to size with a knife…

Fig. 7: the perf board, cut and sanded.

And one-inch-punch metal-saw it over the score lines, then sand the sharp edges over.

WARNING: fiberglass is a known carcinogen, and if you don't have lung protexion the cut should be performed manually rather than with power tools, away from areas where people eat &c., the sanding step should be performed outside or in a fume hood, in both cases care should be taken not to inhale the chips/dust.

Fig. 8: the board, both sides up, with goldpins soldered in.

And here's the board after soldering and washing, I chose M on the board and F on the cable as personal preference, actually, how's those doing?

Fig. 9: connectors with female goldpin 2x1s.

And that's that! Now there's a way to connect the speakers through their proprietary connectors to a 2.5mm² wire to a ribbon cable to female goldpin to male goldpin to 3.5mm audio jack (oh god I'm getting flashbacks).
Now that I wrote that I actually realised I didn't shoot the jack wiring (because I already had a test one when building this (and the second one is, honestly, a bloody disaster of a solderjob)). Oh well.

And how's the thing sound? Not as bad as I'd've thought it would. And anyway here's the final demo video of the thing working:

(Warning: this camera was pretty good for a photo cam in 2005, but y'know; I did my best though)

(Chunk two of two, got hit by size limit) #art-of-the-bodge #electronics #diy