thank you, @elavoie for you encouraging words!

re don't beat yourself. Yes, I know I shouldn't but these brain-loops are quite slipery and while I guess that you know this as well, don't think about pink elefants will lead to an image of an pink animal with large ears and nose in most peoples heads. Applied to stressful situations this can be really toxic and staying positive and focusing on your abilities is key. I'm starting to understand that I got this is much more powerful than don't touch any of these 25 buttons or everything will blow up.

re keep us in the loop: I'm trying to reach out more but still have issues with opening up. I went though most of my life by solving problems with myself first and only go to friends and family with them once I solved them. I didn't want them to feel misarble or bother them, not realizing that they can feel how down I am...

but yes, like you said: One small doable step at a time. :)