I'm thoroughly impressed @Christian Bundy. This is horrible on so many levels at once, I've been literally laughing out loud while reading that post.

How do you signal errors (blob can't be fetched, or blob is not json)? Just return a content object with a special type field (how about the empty string) and no other entries?

Congratulations on the creative act of bringing together seemingly disparate ugly hacks, combining them into an even uglier one. This approach could actually work, which is amazing.

Please don't merge this, ever.